'What If We Held The Mother First?' New Ways To Support New Mothers In A Modern World
New Ways You Can Support and Give Gifts To New Mothers
![A circle of women holding each other](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F81fc1478-1bd8-43f0-8573-655169838c30_850x362.png)
For many modern mothers, especially in the West, having their baby surrounded by family is not as common as it used to be. Having their Mum live close by or willing to come and stay with them in the early months of motherhood has dwindled over time. If you’re new here you’ll know that I had my first child in my home country in Africa where my Mum and a mother’s help assisted my husband and me with taking care of my son. This made it four adults taking care of one child. Before my son turned a year old we moved to São Paulo, Brazil. You can watch/listen to us share our journey in detail here.
I was heavily pregnant with my second child when we moved to São Paulo. I gave birth a couple of months after we arrived and became a mother of two under two. All of the support we had with my first child was non-existent. Bouncing off this experience and talking with mums experiencing similar, I’ve learned how much the idea of the ‘village’ has had to evolve. I’ve also discovered that with the reframing of the concept of the ‘village’, the kind of support and gifts mothers need in this modern world have also evolved.
I’ve attended many baby showers in my time and most of the time, you can predict the gifts for the baby. Many gifts are clothes, bibs, cute toys, bottles, breast pumps maybe, etc. And it’s the same after the baby arrives in the world. Frankly, the gifts are mostly for the baby and its well-being, which I believe is great when a mother already has support. If you’re a mother and not in the low-income bracket you’ve most likely already prepped for your baby by purchasing these items. It is typical to have a list of items needed for the baby that covers 90% of the baby’s well-being. But what about the mother?
I love this quote by
of -“What if we held the mother first? What if we held her so much that she could breathe out those worries — the ones wrapping those tight circles in her mind? What if we asked her, how are you really doing? And what if we held space for the answer — whatever it might be? What if we listened? What if we gifted her with our own stories; our own truths? What if she listened? What if we told her we knew it was hard because we’ve walked her walk? What if we weren’t so quick to forget? What if we told her that we get it and that in all of that hard you are doing so very well? What if we did that before we held the baby? And what if, in all of that space, she felt ready for us to hold the baby — because she felt held herself?”
‘What if we held the mother first?”
Over the past couple of years, I’ve learned the way we show up for mothers may have to change. The endless onesies and bibs and socks for the baby will always be welcome, but I believe that we should also consider the mother’s well-being, at every level (physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually). This will most likely compel us to be the village that a lot of mothers are lacking in this modern world and also change the kinds of gifts we give to mothers. Here are some other ways we can gift/support new mums if they consent to these -
Meal trains - Good, nourishing food is important for a new mum. On the other hand, the hassle of cooking this good, nourishing food is not. A meal train is a way to bring together friends or family to deliver home-cooked meals to the mother for some time. If you’re unable to gather people to do this, you can always do it on your own but the impact is higher if it’s a group of people and this will also reduce the pressure on you.
Pay for a cleaner to clean the mother’s house as often as possible.
Pay for as many hours as you can afford for a postpartum doula or night nurse (if the mother is ok with this).
Pay for as many hours as you can afford for a new mum’s counsellor, therapist or coach.
If the financial burdens of doing the above are not something you can bear, then you can give your time through some of the ways below -
Help a friend who is a new mum to be with nesting, if they experience it.
If you can spare the time, help a friend who is a new mum around the house or with her baby. In this case, make sure she’s ok with having visitors and ask her what exactly she needs help with, don’t assume.
Set reminders on your phone to check up on your mum friends regularly. Be a listening ear, even if you don't completely understand or have a solution.
Send encouraging words, scriptures, and uplifting messages. Let them know they are seen and they matter too.
Side note - Postpartum goes on much longer than the fourth-trimester a.k.a the first three months of a baby’s life. Support is still encouraged, even when the baby is older and things are supposed to be easier. It doesn’t always happen that way.
On the flip side, I encourage mothers to start thinking about and prepping for a village as soon as they get pregnant. Pray about the kind of support you would like and envision it. If you don’t have a community or people that can do any of the above, be willing to pay for the village you would like and seek out a community that can be your pillars of strength for when your baby arrives.
If you would like to join the New Mums Room community click here.
If you’re a new mum or mum and you would like a listening ear. You can book a one-on-one unburdening session with me here.
Finally, I leave you with one of my favourite Scriptures -
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
A couple of ways to support this blog:
1). Buy me a coffee ☕️. If you would like to support the New Mums Room editorial and podcast, but can’t afford to upgrade to a paid subscription, you can buy me a coffee, it would mean the world to me.
2). Hit the heart button above or below and leave a comment to help more people see this post.
More articles from The New Mums Room:
This was a very insightful post! I'm not a mother yet, so this information is beneficial for supporting my loved ones who are expecting or postpartum. Thank you!